Genealogy: Living in the Past Lane

This Body Is a Temple; Chocolate Worshipped Daily

The Problem With Opportunity Is That It Only Knocks,
While Temptation Kicks In the Door

I Got to Vietnam Before McDonald's Did

My Dog Can Lick Anyone

Mom and Dad Worked hard So I Could Have a College Education;
I'll Give Them Free Fries for Life

Soooo, When's the Wizard Getting Back to You About That Brain?

Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps

I haven't Lost My Mind; It's Backed Up on a Disk Somewhere

Hey, You! Out of the Gene Pool

If You Can Read This, Pull Me Back in the Boat

Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair

Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

I'd Quit This Job But I Need the Sleep

The Secret: Find an Age You Like and Stick to It!

I Have the Body of a God; Unfortunately, It's Buddha

Cinderella Was Thrown Off the Basketball Team
Because She Ran Away from the Ball

I Used Up All My Sick Days, So I'm Calling in Dead

Smile: It Makes People Wonder What You're Up To

Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix; Never Drink and Derive

A Good Lawyer Knows the Law; a Great Lawyer Knows the Judge

Should I Talk to the Man in Charge or the Woman
Who Knows What's Going On?

I Got This Shirt When I Turned 40; I HATE This Shirt

Ex-Wife for Sale; Just Take Over Payments

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

Being Placed on a Pedestal Is a Right, Not a Privilege

The Older the Fiddle, the Sweeter the Tune

Beware--Out of Estrogen and I've Got a Gun

This Is the Only Shirt I Didn't Lose in Las Vegas

I'd Rather Be in the Boat With a Drink on the Rocks
Than in the Drink With the Boat on the Rocks

Women Who Seek to Be Equal to Men Lack Ambition

You Have the Right to Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up

Dyslexics Have More nuF

I'm Too Sexy for My Hair; That's Why It Isn't There

Of Course I Don't Look Busy; I Did It Right the First Time

Remember, You Either Find Time to Exercise or
You'll Have to Find Time to Be Sick

Unproductive People Revolve Around the Earth
at the Same Speed as Productive People

Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups