"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin
is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,
and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax
and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable
cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -
a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of
Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been
taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose
of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight
cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more
extinct it is."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until
the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and
down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her
arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees
of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has
not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it
drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

And my very favorite:
When our oldest son was a Boy Scout he was working on his
First Aid Badge. When I asked him- "What do you do when you
suspect that someone has a broken neck?" His answer,
"Grab their head and pull real hard!"

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