And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you
to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and
all seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted,"where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were
big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans
did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark
needed a sprinkler system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission.
Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was
a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to
save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on
the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination
by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a
notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a "recreational watercraft".
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding
the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began
to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord, sadly, "I don't have to. The government already has!"


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