Dear Santa:
I've been a good Mom all year. I've fed, cleaned
and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the
doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two
cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to
attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash
with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over
several Christmases, since I had to write this
letter with my son's red crayon,
on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between
cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time
in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of
legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in
any color, except purple, which I already have) and
arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist,
since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my
last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd
like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a
radio that only plays adult music: a television that
doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking
animals and a refrigerator with a secret compartment
behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the
phone.
One the practical side, I could use a talking
daughter doll that says, "yes, Mommy" to boost my
parental confidence, along with one potty-trained
toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of
power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan
monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and
"Take your hands off of your brother," Because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing
range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the
hottest stocking stuffer this year for the mothers of
preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is
guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the
In-Laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd
settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my
hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food
warmer than room temperature without it being served
in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas
miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It
will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children
to help around the house without demanding payment as
if they were the bosses of an organized crime family:
or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking
downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas
at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and
my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I
think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and
remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and
come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch
cold. help yourself to cookies on the table, but
don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet......
Yours Always,
MOM
PS One more thing....you can cancel all my requests
if you can keep my children young enough to believe
in Santa....
The Christmas Story /
Another Christmas Story
How Rudolph came about... /
A Letter to Santa from Mom
Words for Silent Night in German and English /
Yes Virginia....
My StartPage /
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