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The Catholic Dictionary:

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little
more quietly, since most of the people have
already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found
colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most
Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph
wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel
has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass,
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant,
and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion
of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat
the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long,
they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list
not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know
the seating capacity of a pew.

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