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Things my Mother taught me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -
I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that this stain comes out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't
straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you
something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at
the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all
that spinach is finished."!

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado
swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled
because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once,
I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BALANCE IN LIFE - "If Janie danced
naked on a high wire, does that mean you would too??!!"



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